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Last Thursday, the Washington Post published an article by noted feminist skeptic Cathy Young, an article titled “Feminists Treat Men Badly, and It's Bad For Feminism.” The title is fairly self-explanatory, but I thought that, as a man who tries to be an ally to the many women who fight for equality, I might be able to offer Ms. Young some perspective on whether or not I feel mistreated. Short answer: no.
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Feminists, in general, are wonderful, passionate people who care about men as much as they care about women. Every now and then, I cross paths with a radical feminist who has nothing but contempt for anyone with a y-chromosome, but such people are rare. Is there an undercurrent of distrust for men in feminist circles? Yes. I'd be lying if I said that men didn't have a bad reputation among feminists, but gentlemen, here's a sad truth you may not want to hear. Much of that bad reputation is deserved.
For instance, women are far more likely to be assaulted by their intimate partners than we are. And it gets worse. Throughout Canada, in 2011, there were 1211 cases of sexual assault reported to the police, and of those 1211 victims, 91 percent, were women. What's more, in nearly all incidents of sexual violence against women, the accused perpetrator was male. We assault them much more than they assault us. I'm sad to say it, but the numbers don't lie.
Gents, I hate to tell you this, but it turns out we're particularly bad at taking no for an answer; far too often, we react violently when girls and women spurn our advances. No, not all of us, but far, far too many. When women share opinions that we don't like, we often react in the most despicable ways. Our capacity for cruelty seems limitless, particularly when a woman's success threatens us.
I appreciate Ms. Young's attempt to remind feminists that men are human too, but a little perspective wouldn't kill us. After all the horrors I've seen, I'm really not all that bothered by women who joke about drinking male tears. Does it sometimes annoy me? Of course! Anything that's repeated to the point of becoming cliché annoys me. More often than not, it fills me with dismay.
It's disheartening to think that you will always be an enemy in the eyes of the people you want to support. Or – if you they do see you as a genuine ally – that you are an exception to the rule. Not a good man, but good in spite of being a man. Here's the thing: it doesn't matter.
Do you believe in equality for women? If the answer is yes, then you keep doing your best to be a good ally regardless of how hard it might be to hear about the bad behaviour of other men. Or, if this is your behaviour, you ask yourself some hard questions and try to change. Sick of being told that “nice guys aren't really nice” because they expect sex afterward? Then become the kind of person who does kind things regardless of whether you stand to prosper from them. A good person does what is right because it is right.
“But Rich,” you say, “how can I possibly be of any help to feminists if they distrust me the moment they meet me? It's not fair that I should be mistrusted just because I'm a man.”
You're right; it isn't fair.
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But, gentlemen, we all need to realize something. Women didn't create the unfairness; we did. We did it when we threatened them with violence. We did it when we refused to take no for an answer. We did it every time we tried to make them feel safe by being kind and friendly only to then become hostile if they didn't reciprocate our interest. We convinced them that kindness and friendliness are just a facade we use to get what we want. Is there any reason they should trust us?
I'd like you to take a moment and contemplate the horror of that. Imagine that just about every time someone showed you kindness, you later found out that they had an ulterior motive. Worse yet, kindness turned to cruelty and aggression once their true motivations became clear. You've come to associate kindness with pain, with betrayal. How do you ever trust again after that? The very thing that is supposed to cement a bond between two human beings is itself viewed with suspicion. That is what we did to women. That's why they don't trust us.
“But, Rich, if that's true, how do we regain their trust?”
We don't.
You can't regain trust through a series of gestures; you have to try to be the kind of person who is trustworthy, and hope for the best.
Instead of trying to convince feminists to trust us, we focus on doing the right thing, on learning the extent of the damage and then doing everything in our power to heal it. That means really listening to women when they talk about the nasty things men do. It means asking the difficult question, “Am I guilty of this?” and giving yourself an honest answer. Then, if the answer is yes, you try to change the problem behaviour.
We do that, and maybe our daughters will live in a world where they don't have to fear our sons.
Rich Penney is a Science Fiction author and futurist. Check out his books here, and follow him on Twitter. @Rich_Penney
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